On Reaching Out

Composed 1/15/18
Description: n/a

My thoughts on love have polarized, metastasized
Spreading from brain, to heart, to thighs
I cannot imagine looking into your eyes
And seeing a reflection of me inside

I’ve been on both sides
A distant, disinterested foil of pursuit
A piner who quiets without conclusion
Now I care not to even glance in your direction
Such a farfetched fantasy
I cannot even feign the words to my untold story

These butterflies
Are angst and disgust
Not lovesickness
Lovers seem like strangers
A foreigner – I will never understand
And I have failed to assimilate

Trying
Might yield something
But I’m busy
It’s embarrassing

I see others with their limited successes
Their mediocre second tries
And I cannot find
The will, the desire
To extend my arm and spread open my fingers
To reach

If fate doesn’t deliver you into my hands
I believe I will busy them
In other worthy pursuits

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Reflections on a New Year’s Party

Composed 1/8/18
Description: Going over some old poem scraps and polishing them up. So here we have a somewhat belated reflection on my real-life New Year’s Eve. However, I think this musing could be applied to nearly any moment, any time you looked around and marveled, whether that moment was happy or bizarre, and said “How did I end up here?”

A new year begun with
old friends, long histories
acquaintanced and long distanced but
brought together, connected, and
intertwined by
happenstance and serendipity
begging the question
How did we get here?
And will we be here next year?

Words of Affirmation

Composed 1/1/18
Description: My first piece of the year, inspired by a real New Years Eve party and today’s Daily Prompt: Conversation.

In the hours late and early
I deny conventional comforts
In lieu of clarity
Alone reserved and observing
Of the need for love and for touch
Purposefully I monitor my thoughts and senses
There is no sense for intimacy here
I have long rejected feelings
Unfelt and unreciprocated

Joy may waft in here
I hear its call and wear its smile
But I regain my temporal orientation and
Acknowledge temporary sensation
And yet
As the moon shines like daylight beaming
Even a drink laced
You’re beautiful
Gives me that champagne feeling

Love Letter

Composed: 12/28/17
Description: To keep it short and sweet, this is a reaction to some conversations I’ve been apart of/overheard lately
. I’ll try and let the piece speak for itself.

Darling
I don’t want to love you like I love a crescent moon
Where I only love to see your face when most is out of view
Instead I want to bask as your whole self radiates
Where shadows, bumps, and craters make my struck heart palpitate

Darling
I want a partner
Not a child, not a put up with
I want to take pleasure in your presence
Not your absence
To take comfort from your closeness
Not your distance

Darling
I promise not to settle
I promise to wait for you
To avoid the doom of sighs and gossip
To be proud
To support you even when alone
Because I picked you and love you for all of you
Because your broken pieces are like kintsugi
Not detracting from your beauty
But making it

Darling let me love you like a song
For your beat, for your highs and lows
For the words I just instinctively know
Not perfect, not always
But there’s a connection and
It’s all pleasure to me
Let me love you like a song
That I always love to sing

Consent

Composed 12/16/17
Description:  Inspired by life and the Daily Prompt: Meager.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

— Eleanor Roosevelt

I had already given myself the talk
My worth is not based on
accomplishment, talent

I had already given up
talentless, hopeless
I should move on, forget it
This hobby, this dream

Then expectation overturned, reversed
giddiness, excitement
All was not as it seemed

Then passion, pride burned
In my chest as I freed
My own heart from this self-inflicted curse
Merely a meager word
Changed the course
Of my own history

Realization, turns pensive
Despite my faculties
I still allow others to own me

Unlikely Underdog 

Composed 11/26/17
Description: Inspired by life and the Daily Prompt: 
Underdog.

You borrow wit
and use it unwittingly
Plagiarizing for personal gain
Can reward even be reaped from
a minefield?

Worthy champions may traverse rough terrain
But how can they forgive
When wounded and wary they learn
you set the traps?

A drink is drunk
but drunk?
The only thing tipsy is the mind
Inhibitions unleashed by need
Not chemicals depressed, swaped, or unleashed

So that’s why I’m skeptical
It’s the endless cycle
The senseless torture
The only fault of man is his blissful ignorance or
Willingness
To be deceived for the time being
To gain some fake, small feeling

But really
It’s amazement
Some decency may be found so easily
For a poor act even temporary
But an attempt at earnesty, honesty, longevity
Is not scorned but ignored for what feels like centuries, perhaps eternity

It is
Frustrating
I must play an unlikely underdog
In a game I should be easily winning

Witchcraft

Composed 11/19/17
Description: Not so subtly inspired by my last post.

Don’t fear me
I have a disarming smile
And a degree in reflective listening
I was raised and trained with a customer service philosophy
I will not raise my voice
I will not contradict
So don’t fear me
Fear my pen
If you are rude or condescending
If you cloak yourself in arrogance and embrace ignorance
You will be a victim of the written word
Woven into rhyme, metaphor, and simile in my poetry
Masking your identity and yet
When in some happenstance you read
These rhymes and vague-told stories
I hope it makes you feel somehow, distinctly
Uneasy

Not Married

Composed 11/20/17
Description: A real conversation. Inspired by life and the Daily Prompt: Particular.

Why not?
You’re a nice girl
Friendly
You always seem happy
You’re attractive enough
Maybe you’re just
Particular

He speaks
The word with stealth and embarrassment like a rare spoken curse
He’s a browning leaf shaking on the limb
From the barest gust of wind

Do you have interests?
Hike? Go out? Meet people?

Like the only explanation is that
I’ve never left the house
Never met a single man

And he’s so concerned
Like I’ll be thrown out to the street
And consumed by wolves
If a man doesn’t hold my hand and lock the door

Truly
The mastication of my limbs would be a more fortunate fate
Than settling for the first nice guy
Who thought the mere reality of his presence
Was worthy of me falling to me knees in need
I would rather bleed
Than live a life where I settled for misery over
Contented seclusion
I don’t need anybody

I know someone
He’s too old though
and
married

He thinks any body will satisfy
Even if the match is completely ridiculous
I could be married a thousand times over by now
If I wasn’t
Particular
How I loathe those who think it’s a scandal to wait
For the best offer
For the right fit
To achieve genuine happiness
I am worth it

I don’t mean to invade
your personal space
I hope I didn’t offend

Spare me your patriarchy
You wish to see me sold off so desperately
You cannot hold it in
Despite the obvious violation
Of the boundary of this partnership

Don’t worry about me
I know what I’m doing

Either I marry for love and partnership
An egalitarian complement
Or I revel in my private purpose
And the freedom that attends
Rather than bend
To the will of desperation
A voice that lies as much as the concern
Positioned in your eyes