A Love

Composed 4/11/16
Description: Trying desperately to keep up with NaPoWriMo. I actually think I’m doing okay, considering I’m also somehow managing to balance work, final projects and papers, and a social life. Anyway, expect a few things to come your way today, including this piece for Day 9, roughly inspired by feelings from yesterday and scribbled down mere seconds before sleep.

It’s not loneliness
Simply the memory of
What it’s like to dress up and be admired
To look forward to those eyes and
The sweet messages they hold
It is something unique to feel
Whole in someone’s presence
Grasp a hand and feel like you’ve added another body and mind to you
It’s more than mind-reading
It’s knowing
It’s a heart beating and
A comfort feeling
Like home on Christmas morning
Not just love but a part of you
A history
Of banter, laughs, arguments, genuine compliments
It’s a life
A love I’m looking for

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Ghosts

Composed 4/29/15
Description: Having a life gets in the way sometimes.

We must be lonely
It’s the nature of the beast
If we are out playing, engaged
Our minds are filled
Our hearts, content
We have no need to explode
On the page

Lives
Anesthetic for the mind
No time, will for introspection
Comprehension of the connotation of our days
We must be lonely
Outsiders
House hiders
Ghost writers

It’s a Different Place at Night

Composed 1/6/15
Description: n/a

There’s something about the cold
The howling of relentless wind
Through the silhouette of trees in the openness
And the gray blue mist of night
Of listening and watching while trapped huddling inside
That makes me feel as if
I’ve travelled across the ocean to a place I’ve never been
A new lonely adventure

Drive By

Composed 11/14/14
Description: A little something written while driving home yesterday.

So many people huddled in their homes
Clicking on their lights
Heating up their dinner
Chatting with a friend
Living their stories

And they’re just houses passing by
And you’re just a car passing by

Independence

Composed 4/12/14
Description: (Day 12 of NaPoWriMo)

Sometimes I want to live
And not be loved
I just want
To look up as the sun beats down
And feel the brush of wind’s gentle hand
To look out over
The pinks exploding in seas of grass
The mulling of blues and blacks cast in the shadow
Of hazed yellow lights

I want to wander alone
In endless museums
Where my mind can grasp
Where my fingers can touch
The talents and stories of which I can
Barely comprehend
I need to ravage the cities
The forests
The markets
At my own pace
To be myself

And then I arrive home
And I want to be loved
As well as alive
Because I see you
Smiling, laughing, relaxed, and elegant
Perfectly content in the lack of my presence
And I
An individual
An outsider
Am too late to join

The ones I loved
Leave me
Too absorbed in each other

And suddenly
All that once brought life to my bones
Weighs me down and
Shatters the glass in my chest
And
I wish to revoke the time wasted
On my own self
Because why does it matter
If no one will cherish me
When I return?

Kindred

Composed 4/7/14
Description: (Day 7 of NaPoWriMo) For my best friend.  A poem long overdue, and, yet, I still don’t think this still quite captures everything.

I remember
I remember a time when I told myself
I’d never have a friend like you
I had always lived as an outsider
With friendships of convenience

I lacked true connection
I had no knowing eyes to catch
No quick smiles to give
And no one truly valued
The offhand comments I gave them

And it’s torture
For a mind like mine
To have no place to share

I craved a place
Where someone could make
The connections

Where someone could
Understand, approve of
The foundations

But everyone I knew
Lacked interest
Or fell a few steps behind

But even as I longed
I understood my dismal fate
A lifetime of bland solitude
Mediated by distant friends
Who each time put me in second place

But almost a year to the day
A kindred spirit took a seat by my side
And
Just like that
My life changed

I am now one of the privileged few
Who have a warm presence that will not waver
And more
A true connection
A true kinship
To last the ages

We transfer thoughts with a glance
Humor with no words
When we speak
We understand truly
We share interests sincerely

No longer is my life a dull trudge
Through the mud of disconnection
Instead
I can smile at each day
At my future
Knowing I have a friend
With whom to share life’s joys

We Forget

Composed 3/3/14
Description: Do you ever hear anything, and it just hits you? Recently I’ve been hearing a lot of bad news, several rumors, and it just made me remember how little we really know about one another, how we have no idea what’s going on in another person’s head. And sometimes we don’t know until it’s too late.

So saliently I sense
The piercing of my own heart
That my mind lapses and
Skips
Over the trials of others

I forget that it’s not
I
Alone
That suffocates under the
Grip of isolation
It’s not just I who
Gags on the
Sour twinge of rejection

My brothers
Have been kicked out of their hearts
And wander in the wastelands of their minds
My sisters
Reside in their hearts as they’re breaking
And let their woe bleed out
In silence

My friends
We all shuffle
Instead of face one another
With our affliction
Because we forget
We’re all afflicted

But healing only comes
Under the synthesis
Of many minds
Of many hands

Valentine’s Day

Composed 2/14/14
Description: This one is posted a little late due to the distraction of school and the posting of other things. However, yes, here it finally is: my certainly sought-after thoughts during Valentine’s Day this year.

I go to bed early on
Valentine’s Day
And yet I’m the last awake
Three others dream carelessly around me
Of twirling and gliding
Of adventures and meaning found in foreign lands
And of a future shared with one loved
And loving unconditionally

But I drowsily must wonder
Of what meaning my life holds
What loves can I embrace?
What talents can I give?
What joys can I catch?
For I have never known
And no one will tell me
This Valentine’s Day