One

You’re a gateway drug to everything
Would I even be me without you?
Did you see the secret part of me
Through the Johari window to my soul?

You showed me loves I had not yet uncovered
Parts I somehow knew but not yet discovered
Made a dark unconscious bright
Brought wholeness to a half life

Did you sense a kindred spirit?
Or just note a pretty eye, shy, and find it disgused
Or are you magnetized
To joy to passion to me
Pulled together until all is one and the same?

This connection…

It’s not a half-hearted compromise
It’s not a game
It’s peaked interest and laughing and comfort and fun
I needed my eyes uncovered and
You were the one

Composed 7/1/19

Myth

I cannot fathom the priviledge of your admiration
The possibility of taking for granted the attention of your eyes
To be the origin of your curling smile and enchanted laugh
Would be too much of a thrill
It’s too much of a fantasy to be true

I cannot fathom someone like you
That glorious mix of boyish charm and
Mature wit and sensibilities
Just the normal ambitions, anxieties
A comforting resting place
Where I can recharge my batteries

In a world so tainted and broken
I take pleasure in your normalcy
And though I know you’re not my destiny
I cannot fathom
The embrace of one so lovely
Meant for me

It would seem like an easy find
But your kind is scattered about the earth like pirate treasure
Long coveted and eagerly sought
Captured in stories and song
Most discovered already by worthy predecessors
Thus
I cannot fathom that anyone else like you exists
Except in myth

Composed 9/16/18
Description: Inspired by life and the RagTag Daily Prompt: Fathom.

Sunday, Alone

I hold my breath and focus on the sweeter things
because if I imagine the possibilities
I might just lose it
as I walk through these doors alone
I live a future I do not wish to see
and I almost wish I had stayed home
so these pitiful eyes wouldn’t look at me
consolation is a curse
that pulls me back under

sitting on the shelf
are memories that I take for granted
I imagine them cracked and dusty
and tears blur my vision so I cannot see
these emotional scenes sneak up on me
a scam aimed at my innermost vulnerabilities
I don’t want to stifle these moments because
it could be the end
but if I think about how much you mean to me and how you are such a true friend
my sorrow will burst forth and be without end
don’t leave me I pray
so I can love you
another day

 

Composed 8/26/18

Looking for…

A friend. A partner to walk with through this life. Someone to lean on, and someone to feel proud of and support. Someone sweet, someone who can make me laugh. Someone intelligent who I can talk and banter with. Love… felt and reciprocated. Loyalty… given and received with equal measure and eagerness. Someone whose company I do not tire of but seek. I’m looking for a partner.
A friend.

Composed 7/7/18

ID

Composed 4/21/18
Description: n/a

Reckless and free
You are a part of me
A physical manifestation of id-inspired cravings
With kindness and handsome idiosyncrasies
Musical, unrestrained
By any convention other than one’s soul feeling
Fair weather nature
Lover, wanderer
Recorder of life’s victories
And tragedies
That waft
A poison cloud reminder
That you don’t have it all together
Vague posts and alcohol smiles
Mask the anxiety provoked by
Trying to contain the galaxy in your heart
Voices heard slip through lips in passing
The need to be engaged with me, you, all in reality
The key that opens the mystery
Of a tortured solitude
Clouds disappear like your commitments
Inconsistency your only constancy
And the more I know the less I see
The part of you I thought was me

The Day After

Composed 3/25/18

Just because I’m not easy
Doesn’t mean I’m untouchable
You see
I thought confidence was sexy
A set of standards and consistent personality
Was a trait to be admired and sought for eagerly
But you won’t even try
Preferring the company of convenience
Open palms and weak, trembling knees
Any batting eyes and sly smiles that invite
Even moments after acquaintance

Perhaps it’s fruitless to preach patience
But its virtue is both yours and mine
I won’t warm your bed tonight
Any other could be your flickering candlelight
All I can promise is a lifetime of what is real, enduring
Soft good mornings and
Emotion, eloquence,
Warm fires emitting radiance
Each night a good night kiss and
Love drunk words that feel like this
And most of all confidence
In loyalty, in one and only
A unique union strong in humor and partnership
But it’s time wrapped up in commitment
It’s inefficient
It’s different

I’m homegrown
A relationship planted, nurtured, watered, and sown
Don’t misunderstand me
You are free to your microwavable convenience store romance
But perhaps the work is worth the chance
For true flavor and craftsmanship
Even if the meal ends
Your time will not be wasted
A need inside of you fully sated

Tonight is not my night
And I doubt it will ever be
But tonight I won’t let it bother me
You look and all you see are
The words used describe me
Smart, kind, spiritual
Apparently unapproachable
And you?
Missing out

On Reaching Out

Composed 1/15/18
Description: n/a

My thoughts on love have polarized, metastasized
Spreading from brain, to heart, to thighs
I cannot imagine looking into your eyes
And seeing a reflection of me inside

I’ve been on both sides
A distant, disinterested foil of pursuit
A piner who quiets without conclusion
Now I care not to even glance in your direction
Such a farfetched fantasy
I cannot even feign the words to my untold story

These butterflies
Are angst and disgust
Not lovesickness
Lovers seem like strangers
A foreigner – I will never understand
And I have failed to assimilate

Trying
Might yield something
But I’m busy
It’s embarrassing

I see others with their limited successes
Their mediocre second tries
And I cannot find
The will, the desire
To extend my arm and spread open my fingers
To reach

If fate doesn’t deliver you into my hands
I believe I will busy them
In other worthy pursuits

Reflections on a New Year’s Party

Composed 1/8/18
Description: Going over some old poem scraps and polishing them up. So here we have a somewhat belated reflection on my real-life New Year’s Eve. However, I think this musing could be applied to nearly any moment, any time you looked around and marveled, whether that moment was happy or bizarre, and said “How did I end up here?”

A new year begun with
old friends, long histories
acquaintanced and long distanced but
brought together, connected, and
intertwined by
happenstance and serendipity
begging the question
How did we get here?
And will we be here next year?