On Reaching Out

Composed 1/15/18
Description: n/a

My thoughts on love have polarized, metastasized
Spreading from brain, to heart, to thighs
I cannot imagine looking into your eyes
And seeing a reflection of me inside

I’ve been on both sides
A distant, disinterested foil of pursuit
A piner who quiets without conclusion
Now I care not to even glance in your direction
Such a farfetched fantasy
I cannot even feign the words to my untold story

These butterflies
Are angst and disgust
Not lovesickness
Lovers seem like strangers
A foreigner – I will never understand
And I have failed to assimilate

Trying
Might yield something
But I’m busy
It’s embarrassing

I see others with their limited successes
Their mediocre second tries
And I cannot find
The will, the desire
To extend my arm and spread open my fingers
To reach

If fate doesn’t deliver you into my hands
I believe I will busy them
In other worthy pursuits

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Reflections on a New Year’s Party

Composed 1/8/18
Description: Going over some old poem scraps and polishing them up. So here we have a somewhat belated reflection on my real-life New Year’s Eve. However, I think this musing could be applied to nearly any moment, any time you looked around and marveled, whether that moment was happy or bizarre, and said “How did I end up here?”

A new year begun with
old friends, long histories
acquaintanced and long distanced but
brought together, connected, and
intertwined by
happenstance and serendipity
begging the question
How did we get here?
And will we be here next year?

Love Letter

Composed: 12/28/17
Description: To keep it short and sweet, this is a reaction to some conversations I’ve been apart of/overheard lately
. I’ll try and let the piece speak for itself.

Darling
I don’t want to love you like I love a crescent moon
Where I only love to see your face when most is out of view
Instead I want to bask as your whole self radiates
Where shadows, bumps, and craters make my struck heart palpitate

Darling
I want a partner
Not a child, not a put up with
I want to take pleasure in your presence
Not your absence
To take comfort from your closeness
Not your distance

Darling
I promise not to settle
I promise to wait for you
To avoid the doom of sighs and gossip
To be proud
To support you even when alone
Because I picked you and love you for all of you
Because your broken pieces are like kintsugi
Not detracting from your beauty
But making it

Darling let me love you like a song
For your beat, for your highs and lows
For the words I just instinctively know
Not perfect, not always
But there’s a connection and
It’s all pleasure to me
Let me love you like a song
That I always love to sing

Unlikely Underdog 

Composed 11/26/17
Description: Inspired by life and the Daily Prompt: 
Underdog.

You borrow wit
and use it unwittingly
Plagiarizing for personal gain
Can reward even be reaped from
a minefield?

Worthy champions may traverse rough terrain
But how can they forgive
When wounded and wary they learn
you set the traps?

A drink is drunk
but drunk?
The only thing tipsy is the mind
Inhibitions unleashed by need
Not chemicals depressed, swaped, or unleashed

So that’s why I’m skeptical
It’s the endless cycle
The senseless torture
The only fault of man is his blissful ignorance or
Willingness
To be deceived for the time being
To gain some fake, small feeling

But really
It’s amazement
Some decency may be found so easily
For a poor act even temporary
But an attempt at earnesty, honesty, longevity
Is not scorned but ignored for what feels like centuries, perhaps eternity

It is
Frustrating
I must play an unlikely underdog
In a game I should be easily winning

Not Married

Composed 11/20/17
Description: A real conversation. Inspired by life and the Daily Prompt: Particular.

Why not?
You’re a nice girl
Friendly
You always seem happy
You’re attractive enough
Maybe you’re just
Particular

He speaks
The word with stealth and embarrassment like a rare spoken curse
He’s a browning leaf shaking on the limb
From the barest gust of wind

Do you have interests?
Hike? Go out? Meet people?

Like the only explanation is that
I’ve never left the house
Never met a single man

And he’s so concerned
Like I’ll be thrown out to the street
And consumed by wolves
If a man doesn’t hold my hand and lock the door

Truly
The mastication of my limbs would be a more fortunate fate
Than settling for the first nice guy
Who thought the mere reality of his presence
Was worthy of me falling to me knees in need
I would rather bleed
Than live a life where I settled for misery over
Contented seclusion
I don’t need anybody

I know someone
He’s too old though
and
married

He thinks any body will satisfy
Even if the match is completely ridiculous
I could be married a thousand times over by now
If I wasn’t
Particular
How I loathe those who think it’s a scandal to wait
For the best offer
For the right fit
To achieve genuine happiness
I am worth it

I don’t mean to invade
your personal space
I hope I didn’t offend

Spare me your patriarchy
You wish to see me sold off so desperately
You cannot hold it in
Despite the obvious violation
Of the boundary of this partnership

Don’t worry about me
I know what I’m doing

Either I marry for love and partnership
An egalitarian complement
Or I revel in my private purpose
And the freedom that attends
Rather than bend
To the will of desperation
A voice that lies as much as the concern
Positioned in your eyes

Calloused

Composed 11/9/17
Description: Inspired by today’s Daily Prompt: Gingerly.

With you there’s only eggshells
For you are an electric fire
Any prodding emits sparks
Water begets electrocution
Discussion – only more smoke
More tears
I fear
So I just bury you in sand and walk on eggshells
So oft I’ve tread these paths
Most times I don’t even feel

Variety

Composed 9/15/17
Description: A little tidbit of advice, inspired by life and today’s Daily Prompt: Flavorful.

Tastebuds changed
Were planted
After careful cultivation
Grown over years
Budded and
Bloomed
Tended to
Never harvested
Rarely pruned
Run amok
Vines sprouting, crawling, overtaking
Setting more to root
More seeds, more buds, more blooms
Suddenly no room for anything else

And then the rot comes in

Disease, nausea, death
Then there’s nothing left
No moving on
Just spending the rest of days
Searching for a shadow, an exact replica

Only disappointment waits if
This searching becomes fate
And when it’s found
The taste courses through and triggers
Shivering memories of sickness
And it only heaves and never leaves
If one only consumes the same that instigated illness
So be through with it
There are more flavors out in the world
That’s why they call variety
The spice of life

Offended (By the Internet)

Composed 9/13/17
Description: Shocking right? Well, this rant poem was inspired by a slight but dedicated vein of rage that coursed through me after some light internet browsing. Oh, and today’s Daily Prompt: Penchant.

a screenshot of a isfj description of who you usually go for in terms of dating love romance

According to a random person who
made an interpretation about
Myers-Briggs who
might have made the whole thing up
I have a penchant

For the unachievable the
prideful, uncaring bachelor who
is two (five, ten) steps behind me who
I must constantly chase
and never face as an equal in love

I love a “non-committer”
a hesitant suitor
someone who I must baby as I think about the future
someone who makes me feel
inferior

Apparently I am a sap for masochism
a woman who worships fanatics of sadism

Indeed, this might have been my fate
at one time
to love unrequitedly
to invest in time-share romance
but is it my desire
to be burned out by my own fire
while the other watches me burn
cold as unyielding steel?

My only downfall was
thinking I was worth something
and reaching
not a weakness not a
love life death wish not a
fear of commitment
just a longing for men I thought were worth it
who turned out not to be

It’s just been me
learning
and I’ve learned
to know who’s recognized my worth
to recognize interest and affection
to only give what I’ve been given
to forgive but move forward

My past does not equal
My goals
My future
I don’t cycle
I upgrade

So best be cautious with your ill-conceived zodiac memes
Don’t misinterpret me
Or bring me down
I am intelligent, savvy
I will search carefully
Seek out chemistry
And I will find love or it will find me

The Curse of Old Loves

Composed 9/10/17
Description: Inspired by life and today’s Daily Prompt: Peculiar. A poem about moving on.

Peculiar
How we cling to the familiar
Even when we know it’s no good
He returns to old comfort
Though he knows it has failed
Venom seeping through the fingertips and lips
And clogging all paths to the heart
But he is welcomed
With a smile and soft eyes
With warmth
With kind words and old love songs
With good intentions, perhaps
But it’s a curse –
He’s poisoned but pleased
Pleasure brings him back and habits form
The longer it endures the more he is addicted and
The more harmed
The more he is unable to break free but
He can anticipate and follow routine
It’s easy
It’s hard to change, move on
Try something new
But if you keep returning to the past
You miss out on what’s in front of you
And the future never comes

Anticipation

Composed 9/7/17
Description: A belated response to the Daily Prompt: Anticipate.

If only I could anticipate your conversations
I could practice interactions to simulate elation
For I yearn to be in your good graces
To be admired — not one of a million faces
All I can do is watch your reactions
But I black out after failures to muster attraction
They seem to offer only confirmation
That your mind is engaged with other fixations